It’s January 1st. I’m sitting in my office trying to get my shit together and I am failing miserably. I’m never like this. I usually love the new year. At the very least, I don’t think much of the new year because my new year always feels like it starts in September (once a teacher…) so it’s just another day where I chill on my couch with college football as background noise while I casually scroll facebook and admire other people’s goals and dreams and words of the year as they roll before me full of hope and promise. Sometimes, I even come up with a word of my own and I usually take some time to fill in a calendar and a meal plan and a budget without much angst and with even a little hope for a more organized future.
This year, I’m all angst. I don’t want to move forward. I don’t want to plan. I don’t want to fill in anything. I want to stay here, on my couch, in my warm house surrounded by the four people (and 3 furry critters) I care about most watching Hallmark movies or college football or whatever silly show they pick, for the rest of my days.
I thought taking this week off of work would revitalize me. I thought I’d go back ready to tackle work and school and parenting with a newfound sense of rest and restoration. Instead, I’m cranky and downright hate-scrolling through facebook feeds full of goals and dreams and words and diet and exercise plans wanting to scream at everyone who is making plans and smiling into the future.
It’s very un-like me. Sure, I hate winter and bark about how cold I am for at least 120 days a year, but mostly that’s for show. It doesn’t actually trap me in my house or make me feel like I can’t move forward. But tonight? I feel like my feet are in sludge and my heart is right there with them.
The only explanation I have is that I’m not in the right space. I know, it sounds like super hippie whoo whoo stuff, but it just doesn’t feel like my life is aligned with it’s purpose. I like my work. I like the people I work with and for. Of course, I LOVE being a mother to the outstanding people I live with and intellectually I know there is a way those two things can coexist, but it just doesn’t feel like I’ve found it yet and I have no idea which direction to go to get there.
I think that’s why I just want to stay put.
A wise woman said to me a few days ago, “With all that you’re doing, you’re on to something. You are going to be exactly where you are supposed to be soon. You just need to be patient for a bit longer.” It was comforting and maddening. Comforting in that an outsider felt like I was at least on the path toward what I really want and need. Maddening in that patience is not my strongest suit, especially when I have no idea what I’m even waiting for.
So, I will continue to admire those of you with plans and goals and visions and words for your new year. I promise I won’t hate scroll for too long.
But I may not join you anytime soon because I’m not sure where I’m going or how to get there. For now, I choose my couch-surrounded by all the people I love, frozen in time, right there with me.